Saving Your Capacity: The Framework Every Caregiver Needs

Most days, I feel like a broken record. One of the things I say over and over is, “stop throwing your capacity into the trash.” No matter your role - parent, teacher, therapist, or other type of caregiver - my message is the same, your resources - time, energy, patience, regulation - are invaluable. And they’re limited. My goal is to protect those resources to help you avoid overwhelm and burnout.

I know you’ve probably read all the books and tried all the strategies. I hear it all the time. “I’ve tried everything and nothing works for my child,” “I just can’t get it right,” or “I’m failing.” To that, I say no, no, no. Most of the time, the issue isn’t WHAT you’re doing - it’s WHEN you’re doing it.

That’s where Dr. Bruce Perry’s sequence of engagement comes in: regulate, relate, reason. It’s a framework I use every day to help caregivers figure out the “when.” Our ability to process and use incoming information depends entirely on our state of regulation. The more dysregulated we are, the less access we have to the higher, more advanced regions of our brain.

When we’re dysregulated, the first part of the brain to go offline is the thinking brain (the cortex), which is responsible for reasoning, problem-solving, planning, and reflection. If dysregulation continues and the survival brain (fight, flight, freeze) takes over, the emotional brain (responsible for connection and relationships) also shuts down. The body redirects all energy and resources to the survival brain because, in moments of perceived danger, staying alive takes priority over feeling connected or solving problems.

To get the thinking brain back online, we have to work from the bottom up. We start by soothing the survival brain (regulate), then supporting the emotional brain (relate), and finally accessing the thinking brain (reason).

Understanding the sequence of engagement isn’t about doing more. It’s about using your energy more efficiently. Respecting the sequence of engagement - soothing the survival brain, building emotional connection, and then engaging the thinking brain - you give those strategies you’ve worked so hard on the chance to succeed.

Step 1: Regulate

Regulation is where it all begins. When a child is dysregulated, whether they’re screaming, hitting, kicking, hiding, or shutting down, their brain is in survival mode. In those moments, their energy and resources are focused on to protecting them from a perceived threat. They’re not being stubborn, defiant, or difficult. They’re doing exactly what their brain perceives as necessary to stay safe.

All information coming into the brain is processed from the bottom up. It hits the survival brain first, which is constantly scanning for danger and asking, “Am I safe?” If the answer is “no,” the brain shifts its energy toward survival responses like fight, flight, or freeze. This is great if you’re being chased by a bear, but not so helpful when your child is having a meltdown over spilled juice. And here’s the tricky part - even if there isn’t an actual threat, the brain can still perceive one.

A child’s brain might interpret something as unsafe for many reasons - past experiences, sensory sensitivities, or even internal stressors they don’t consciously recognize. So remember, just because you don’t perceive a threat doesn’t mean the child’s brain isn’t perceiving one.

Regulation in Action

Regulate Yourself First

Your regulated presence is the most powerful regulatory tool. If you’re feeling dysregulated — tense, impatient, or overwhelmed - pause and ground yourself before engaging with the child.

Meet Basic Needs

Meet your own needs for regulation - taking a sip of water, having a snack, taking audible deep breaths, or tapping your legs rhythmically. You can also offer the child a snack or drink, either directly by saying, “Would you like some water or a snack?” or indirectly by taking a sip yourself and leaving their drink nearby within reach.

Offer Intentional Sensory Cues of Safety

Soothing music, soothing scents, dim lighting, or soft textures can signal to the brain that it’s safe. These cues should be explored, identified, and practiced during times of regulation to find what works best for the child.

Allow Body Movement

Ensure that the child has access to a safe space to engage in self-directed rhythmic movement, like rocking, jumping, stretching, running, stomping, and even hitting or throwing soft objects.

Incorporate Rhythmic Input

Rhythmic patterns—such as clapping, tapping, rocking, or bouncing—can help regulate the body.

Adjust Proximity

Depending on the child’s needs and your relationship with them, they may benefit from you giving them some space or moving closer. For some, your presence nearby can be soothing, while others may feel more regulated if you take a small step back. Watch their cues and respond accordingly to meet them where they are.

Change the Environment if Needed

Sometimes, a change of scenery can help because it allows the child to get space from possible environmental cues of danger. Reducing sensory inputs in the environment can also help - you can step outside for fresh air, dim the lights, or lower the noise level to create a more soothing space.

Regulation is about creating safety and calming the storm. It’s not about fixing the problem or stopping the behavior. Once the brain feels safe, the rest of the sequence; relating and reasoning, can follow. But without this first step, the rest simply won’t work. Regulation sets the stage for everything else.

Step 2: Relate

Once the child appears to soothe, we can move to the next step in the sequence, relate. This step is all about fostering connection. Relating means building emotional safety and trust, helping the child feel seen, heard, and understood.

At this stage, the focus is on connection - not teaching, introducing logic, or addressing behavior. Relating is about validating the child’s experience and staying attuned to their needs, reinforcing their sense of trust and emotional safety.

Relate in Action

Non-Verbal Cues of Safety

Relational safety is often communicated more effectively through non-verbal cues than words. A calm tone, soft eye contact, gentle body language, and steady presence can convey safety and connection in ways words often cannot. By staying attuned to the child’s cues, you provide the stability they need to maintain regulation and build trust.

Provide Attuned Responses

Match the child’s energy through your tone, pace, and movements. For example, if they’re speaking softly, lower your voice to match their tone. If they’re moving quickly or restlessly, gently mirror their rhythm to help them feel understood. This reinforces connection and helps the child feel “in sync” with you.

Reflect and Validate Feelings

Reflect their feelings back to them in a simple, nonjudgmental way. For example, “That was so frustrating”, "That felt really scary" or “You didn't like that at all.” Caregivers sometimes worry that validating a child’s feelings sends the message that they condone the behavior that resulted from those feelings. However, that is not the case.Validating the feeling shows the child that their emotions are understood, which helps them feel safe enough to move forward. Addressing behavior can come later, once the connection is established.

Offer Physical Comfort

If the child is open to it, offer a hug, hold their hand, or sit close. Physical proximity can help reinforce safety and connection, but always follow the child’s lead.

Provide Attuned Responses

Match the child’s energy through your tone, pace, and movements. For example, if they’re speaking softly, lower your voice to match their tone. If they’re moving quickly or restlessly, gently mirror their rhythm to help them feel understood. This reinforces connection and helps the child feel “in sync” with you.

Stay Regulated and Present

Keep your tone gentle, your body language open, and your focus on the child. Avoid distractions like checking your phone or rushing the conversation. Your presence communicates that they matter.

Engage in Play or Humor

Playful interactions or lighthearted humor can be a powerful way to reconnect, especially for younger children. A silly game or a playful moment can rebuild emotional bridges and bring ease back into the relationship.

Step 3: Reason

Once a child feels safe and connected, we can begin to engage the thinking brain (the cortex). This step gently invites the child to use their cognitive and reflective capacities to make sense of their experience. Reasoning isn’t about pointing out what went wrong or rushing into problem-solving. Instead, it’s about creating opportunities for the child to reflect, make choices, and practice navigating challenges in a supportive environment. By moving at their pace and respecting their readiness, you help them build the skills they need for resilience and growth.

Reasoning in Action

Start Small and Neutral

Before starting to address the issue, let your child practice engaging cognition in rewarding ways that are unrelated to the original distressing event. For example, engaging in conversation about things the child enjoys and is knowledgable about, playing a thinking-based game like a guessing game or a puzzle. Starting with a neutral topic helps the child ease into using their thinking brain without feeling overwhelmed.

Use Gentle Curiosity

Instead of demanding answers, invite exploration with open-ended questions. For example, “How did that feel for you?” and “What do you think we could do differently next time?” This encourages reflection without pressure.

Introduce Problem-Solving

When the child feels ready, invite them to explore solutions that foster collaboration and resilience. For example, “If the dinosaur plate isn’t available next time, how can I support you with that?” or “What can we do together to help you through it?” This approach reinforces the child’s ability to manage challenges while reminding them that they don’t have to navigate difficult moments alone.

Keep It Developmentally Appropriate

Tailor your reasoning to the child’s age and capacity. For younger children, this might look like offering two simple choices. For older children, it could involve more detailed conversations about cause and effect.

Stay Regulated Yourself

Your regulated and supportive presence is key to helping the child access their cognitive abilities. If you notice signs of dysregulation returning for either yourself or your child, pause and focus on re-establishing regulation and connection before continuing.

The sequence of engagement - regulate, relate, reason - is a foundational framework for increasing intentionality in all relational interactions. By following this natural progression, you’re not only addressing immediate challenges but also helping the child build skills for long-term emotional resilience and regulation.

And here’s my favorite part: following this sequence allows you to protect your own capacity. When we skip steps or reverse the order, like jumping straight to reasoning, we are throwing our capacity into the trash. But when we honor the brain’s needs, we use our time, energy, and patience in ways that truly make a difference. Supporting a child in this way is not only more effective but also more sustainable for you.

Side Note: Every child, caregiver, and family is unique, with different needs and abilities. The strategies outlined above might feel overwhelming or even out of reach in your particular situation and that’s okay. If that’s the case, consider scheduling a caregiver consultation session for individualized, tailored support for you and your child. You can also explore our resources for caregivers, where we offer free resources like a book club, workshops, and other blogs like this one to support you on your journey.

References

Perry, B. D., & Szalavitz, M. (2006). The boy who was raised as a dog: And other stories from a child psychiatrist’s notebook. Basic Books.

Perry, B. D., & Winfrey, O. (2022). What happened to you?: Conversations on trauma, resilience, and healing. Bluebird.